Tug-O-War

I find the dialectics which affect relationships in chapter 12 really interesting. These are factors that I have come to know through experience, but to read it in text book makes it so much clearer to understand. The Integration / Separation dialectic on page 157 is defined as "a class of relational dialectics that includes connectedness-separateness, inclusion-seclusion, intimacy-independence, and closeness-autonomy." The example given of playing tug-of-war fits perfectly, because relationships are a constant pull back and forth. But if one side wins, or the other side stops pulling... all is lost (in terms of the relationship). Baxter and Montgomery hit it right on the nose when they said:

No relationship can exist by definition unless the parties sacrifice some
individual autonomy. However too much connection paradoxically
destroys the relationship because the individual identities become lost
(p. 157).

I have experienced this myself in relationships... it's a very fine line of balance when it comes to submersing yourself with someone while keeping your own identity. I think a lot of relationships go through this phase where you start to put the "we" before "me" and although sometimes it's good for the relationship, but a lot of times it's not, it becomes stifling. A good way to look at it is being parts to a whole, that function together but can still function on its own. It's hard to remember, that it was your individualness that attracted each other in the first place.